Happy 34th Anniversary...

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” -David O. McKay

And love her he has!

Our father passed away this morning at 1:30AM Minnesota time(9:30 AM Turkey). My sister said his breathing became labored and they understood the end was near so my mother climbed into bed with him. He passed away next to his life-long love. He waited until their Anniversary, today September 13th my mother and father have been married for 34 years. He waited...

Thank you megs and mom for writing on the caring bridge site...it has helped so much, my distance to read and thank you everyone for visiting it and sharing stories about how wonderful my father is...uhhh was...so hard...

Thank you for waiting to have the funeral service when we get there...I need it...I need to grieve together with you all...I need to cry together and laugh together..hear the stories...tell the stories...with my family...with all that know and love everything beautiful about our KAJman!

Although I will forever regret not physically having said goodbye to you dad I know you would understand it all. You have always been rational and supportive...even of this big move...you have always thought we have good opportunities in this developing country of Turkey. I am so glad you and mom made it here last year. ohhh but it is just so far...still...how did it happen so fast? We know you didn't want to be the sick guy in the corner ever though...

Should have, would have, could have...what if they would have found it sooner...what if you would of stopped smoking years ago...what if...stop.

You would love your granddaughter so much and you will from afar be her protective angel. As my brother said, "You tag teamed...mavisu in and you out", you overlapped...thank god she came early! You will always be connected and she will hear how wonderful you were and it will inspire her...inspire her to be her own unique person...kind and considerate of others...strong and opinionated...happy and smile in knowing that family is so important. I am going to raise her well, as I was so fortunate to have been with help of her beautiful father who I know you approved of and that means so much! You always said Çağlar would have his own private jet one day, my entrepreneur...if only it was now:)

Now every time I look at a computer, see a picture, see diet coke, chocolate, etc. so many things I will think of you and for now it will make the tears flow but I am so much better for having known you...thank you for being you my wonderful, special father!

I love you forever father dear...xoxoxo...thank you for everything...

I promise to take the best care of your granddaughter...we now all draw strength from her new life!

"If I could"...

Our beautiful daughter was born healthy 9 days early on September 4th, 2009 at 10:40 AM Turkish time. She was born 3.25 kilos(7.2 lbs) and 20 inches long. She is gorgeous and we are so in love with her and feel so blessed!

At the same time across the ocean my father is dying...

My father-in-law has been sick with cancer for the past year, since last August. We moved to Didim to be closer to him during his last days.

Some days when I would get frustrated by this Turkish life my mother would remind me, "what if it was your dad, What would you want to do?" and I would agree that I would have to be next to him. To celebrate his life, to be together with the family as we have been with my in-laws...

But in some sick twist of fate it is my father that is the sick one...some how since his diagnosis on June 15th, only three months ago(another sick twist of fate that diagnosis came 2 days after I left Minnesota from my month long visit and how can two grandpas both be sick with cancer?) my father went from having kidney cancer with a good prognosis, a really good chance to make it through, he was working in the yard and out socializing, to this last week having gotten so weak with the cancer having spread absolutely everywhere eating him from the inside out that when I see him from skype it doesn't even look like my father anymore???

We have done all this waiting and circling for my father-in-law expecting him to pass and now it IS my own father that is going to leave us prematurely...

how? why? It is all happening too fast!

I will tell our daughter so many stories...about how beautiful her grandpa was(I can't believe I have to start using past tense...it is so wrong)...how kind, intelligent, quirky and wonderful. How he would help anyone who needed it but was especially always there for his family; my mother and us four kids.

I know he understood when I called and said I was going into labor and I think he understood the first day we came back from the hospital...his first granddaughter was born...and she is perfect!

I have been listening to music for days straight just nursing our daughter and spending time with my new little family between skype calls with my family in Minnesota and have been moved by this Jack Johnson song..."If I could"

Here it is on Youtube

A brand new baby was born yesterday
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said "Your tears are like mine"
I heard some words
From a friend on the phone
That didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Down the middle drops one more
Grain of sand
They say that
New life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
They helped ease the mind
I'll miss my old friend
And though you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul
One goes out
One comes in

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could


You know that I would now, be there if I could my dear father...I love you so much!

We are trying to make our way as quickly as we can, getting a passport for our daughter. We need to make sure she won't get sick on the plane with the recycled air and germs. Anyone want to loan us their private jet?

She is the most important now, this new little life...

Must save moisture for milk not tears...

Irony or karma?

I have another column out in Voices Newspaper entitled "Whose Holding Their Hands?". In the column I muse about our first times in Eskişehir with the student exchange. The contradiction between extreme hospitality but feeling like we were going to get taken out by a car any minute.

I am not sure if it is irony or karma that the day I bought the newspapers to check on my printed article...I was waddling out of a store ın a pregancy ınduced haze where we had bought some new sheets, annoyed at how expensive our sheets were, blindly following my husband to the car when someone was parallel parking and hit me with the car...don't worry it was a slight tap...but ohhh I was angry. The man apologized and I started balling(reminder 38 weeks prego) and my husband told me that I am the one that needs to be careful and that I need to watch where I am going...well I was pissed at this comment and I am huge how could one not see me? The tears were flowing at this point. I got over it but what do you think...ironic I had just written about this or karma for musing about another culture? Or maybe just proves my point...read my column and open your third and fourth eyes! Pregnancy haze is no excuse...

The next part of my column talks about the ONE test university system of Turkey. Although the system is wonderful for the students that pass the test and is very inexpensive they don't leave options for the rest of the population. I think in the states we are very lucky to have the community and technical colleges as an option for preparing for university or just taking a few classes to improve a skill or just for the sake of learning, also for older students. Unfortunately it sounds like right now the university system is cutting classes left and right and so many teachers are out of work. My old teacher writes about these issues often at her blog, Kloe among the Turks.

Obama just passed a $12 billion initiative for community colleges...Hope it works out...don't forget how important the teachers are!!!!

Here is an interesting program from the U.S. Department of State community college initiative for foreign students...


The photo is of Hubby and I on our Kayak...it is so great!