Girlfriends...

Two of my best girlfriends came to town this weekend. It was amazing and we didn't have to do anything.

Girlfriend sessions are so necessary. It is a counseling session filled with giggles. So good for the soul!

We thought of our San Diego lives when the world revolved around only us and just hanging out together. Now so much has changed; a world not just for us, marriage, birth, death, travels, moves, new houses.

We are in such different times in our lives but it comforts my soul to know we will always be friends no matter how many miles apart we are. That our next generation will have some wonderful aunties! Although I wish I could put you in my pocket and pull you out whenever I need you.

Thankyou for coming my darlings!

Also thank you to my mother's wonderful girlfriends/sisters that have helped her and us all so much through these tough times! You are such special ladies! I worry so much less about my mother's heart hurting when I think of you!

Melt my heart...

I love sleep. I am just a person that requires a full 8 hours to function. My father could get by on 4 and I always was amazed by that.

Being a new mom who is breast feeding you do not get that straight 8 hours. You wake up every 3 or so hours a night to feed your child. Sometimes I hear here start to fuss at 3AM. I think just five more minutes please...but then I awake and look down at my adorable little girl that is so dependent on me and I wake right up.

She recently started smiling...and that is what really melts my heart! I am yet to capture it on film but oh my goodness...melt my heart!

Fall...

It is fall in MN. Normally in mine and I believe many Minnesotans opinion the best time of the year with squash, pumpkins, apples, crisp fresh air...













And of course the colorful leaves, reds, yellows, oranges and everything in between. The most gorgeous as the sun shines through warming the crisp air.

Minnesotans know that you really have to get ready for the long cold winter though. Unfortuanatly it might be coming earlier than normal this year but we hope to get another warm spell!

Mom and I readied the gardens. Picking the carrots and beets. Tearing out tomato plants. Harvesting the herbs and honey crisp apples(probably the best apples I have ever had!)all before the EARLY snow we are supposed to get.

Gardening and working outside is so therapeutic. The smells of the soil and the fresh crisp air in your lungs.

Most Minnesotans are busy canning or freezing their gardens right now. My aunties and sister made salsa. So much you can do to preserve the garden delights for winter; canning, freezing and pickling are a few.

I have previously written about Turkish Turşuci, The pickle man. They pickle anything and everything in Turkey and have whole fabulous shops dedicated to this art. I recently came across and article through Istanbul Eats from Today's Zaman about the best Turşu in Turkey and even how to make it yourself...so for those of you drooling over the thought of pickled everything check out the article here and make some yourself...


















We had our little Mavisu Pumpkin Lovely out for some sunshine and fresh air. My darling Turkish in-laws might be upset to think she was out in the cold but I promise she was bundled up tight and I am being a good mommy. I love her more everyday! We miss her Baba (Daddy) though!

Floating on...

Life goes on...

My mother describes it as "being on autopilot." You just continue even though it just constantly feels like something is missing, like it isn't real.

Even though I am not constantly thinking about how my father is gone it is constantly with me...subconsciously...in the back of my head...a fog...then bam...it hits...I see a photo or think of something I would want to ask him..."Dad, how do you blah blah blah with the computer?" etc. etc...I loose my breathe...I get sick to my stomach...He was a wealth of knowledge plus so much more...and he is gone.

My brother describes it as a "Hole." A hole that will always be with us.
A hole that can't be filled and will be there forever.

It still just feels like a dream. How can he be gone? When is he going to come home? When is he going to walk through the door again smiling? How can we do it without our constant? He was always there for all of us; my mother, two sisters, brother and I...always...no questions asked.

I worry about us all but especially my mother. I know she will be fine, she is so strong! She has a wonderful extended family and so many friends to support her but it just isn't the same. She told me the other day she truely understands what heartache means and how it feels. She says she can handle that life will be harder with out my father. They took care of each other for so long...he did certain things and she did others...but she just thinks about how lonesome she will be...my heartaches for my father and then it aches more thinking of my mother's heartaching...

Mavisu turned 1 month old on the 4th. She helps us all so much. Her new little life. Why is it you can just stare at babies and be completely entertained?

Our journey from Turkey to America was a long one. My husband had a driver pick us up in Didim and drive us to him in Eskisehir, 7 hours. Then from Eskisehir to Ankara, 3 hours to get mavisu's emergency passport all while faxing papers and trying to prove my citizenship so she could get her passport, grieving. We got it, then back to eskisehir...drove to Istanbul,4-5 hours to fly out...flew from Istanbul to Chicago, 11 hours with Mavisu in her little bag. She was such a good girl. Then Chicago to Minneapolis, 1 hour. But whatever...you just do it...more autopilot...

Greeted with hugs, kisses and crys. But where is dad? He always picks me up at the airport? Shit...

In the month since Mavisu has been born...she becomes more precious everyday...She is opening her beautiful little eyes for longer, she has gained over a pound, plumb healthy little baby fat, she is getting more facial expressions and can focus on your face now. She is getting strong, holding her neck up, bobbing her head.

We are going to stay in MN until after christmas. It was my beautiful husbands idea, to share his wife and new baby with his mother-in-law. He knew she needs us for a while. I don't think he realized just how hard it would be for him...so hard...but he is selfless...wonderful and thoughtful...he will visit us soon and thank you god for skype.

So for now we are all floating on( check out the Modest Mouse song) covered by a fog, hearts aching but so thankful for all our memories, other blessings, each other and all the kind words, stories, cards, gifts that have been shared. Our father's legacy.