Floating on...

Life goes on...

My mother describes it as "being on autopilot." You just continue even though it just constantly feels like something is missing, like it isn't real.

Even though I am not constantly thinking about how my father is gone it is constantly with me...subconsciously...in the back of my head...a fog...then bam...it hits...I see a photo or think of something I would want to ask him..."Dad, how do you blah blah blah with the computer?" etc. etc...I loose my breathe...I get sick to my stomach...He was a wealth of knowledge plus so much more...and he is gone.

My brother describes it as a "Hole." A hole that will always be with us.
A hole that can't be filled and will be there forever.

It still just feels like a dream. How can he be gone? When is he going to come home? When is he going to walk through the door again smiling? How can we do it without our constant? He was always there for all of us; my mother, two sisters, brother and I...always...no questions asked.

I worry about us all but especially my mother. I know she will be fine, she is so strong! She has a wonderful extended family and so many friends to support her but it just isn't the same. She told me the other day she truely understands what heartache means and how it feels. She says she can handle that life will be harder with out my father. They took care of each other for so long...he did certain things and she did others...but she just thinks about how lonesome she will be...my heartaches for my father and then it aches more thinking of my mother's heartaching...

Mavisu turned 1 month old on the 4th. She helps us all so much. Her new little life. Why is it you can just stare at babies and be completely entertained?

Our journey from Turkey to America was a long one. My husband had a driver pick us up in Didim and drive us to him in Eskisehir, 7 hours. Then from Eskisehir to Ankara, 3 hours to get mavisu's emergency passport all while faxing papers and trying to prove my citizenship so she could get her passport, grieving. We got it, then back to eskisehir...drove to Istanbul,4-5 hours to fly out...flew from Istanbul to Chicago, 11 hours with Mavisu in her little bag. She was such a good girl. Then Chicago to Minneapolis, 1 hour. But whatever...you just do it...more autopilot...

Greeted with hugs, kisses and crys. But where is dad? He always picks me up at the airport? Shit...

In the month since Mavisu has been born...she becomes more precious everyday...She is opening her beautiful little eyes for longer, she has gained over a pound, plumb healthy little baby fat, she is getting more facial expressions and can focus on your face now. She is getting strong, holding her neck up, bobbing her head.

We are going to stay in MN until after christmas. It was my beautiful husbands idea, to share his wife and new baby with his mother-in-law. He knew she needs us for a while. I don't think he realized just how hard it would be for him...so hard...but he is selfless...wonderful and thoughtful...he will visit us soon and thank you god for skype.

So for now we are all floating on( check out the Modest Mouse song) covered by a fog, hearts aching but so thankful for all our memories, other blessings, each other and all the kind words, stories, cards, gifts that have been shared. Our father's legacy.