Balance...patience...building blocks...

I am floundering to find balance these days...

Balance with time.

Balance between being a good mom and having a second(ok I need a few hours even just once a week) to blog, to breathe, to think, to create, to be by myself all the while trying to nurture my marriage. ("but it's you turn to take her...")

Balance with looking towards the future and at the same time remember to live in the NOW! Our always tentative "plan" of living in Turkey these next 2-3 years then moving to Minnesota vs. living in the present enjoying my daughter growing, enjoying being a stay-at-home mom, enjoying my husband. Will I be so happy once we go back to MN for me? Will I have to work so much there that I will miss being a stay-at-home mom? It is actually a privilege that many don't have and yet I would like more?

Finding and exploring the benefits to this foreign life and to not stunting my growth by concentrating on moving back "home".

Balance with the idea of home. What makes a place home? a person home? What do I want in a home? Our new "home" is in Eskişehir even though neither of us want to stay here. This struggle between furnishing a big house and making it feel like home but not wanting to spend money. Just wanting to save since this is temporary? But I am so sick of constantly moving around and going back and forth between California and Turkey, then Minnesota and Turkey between cities within Turkey and back to USA.

I feel in a strange suspended state and yet it has been the craziest years of my life? Strange?

Balance between new roles and old independence. Balance with the freedom I should have(my husband thinks I have) since I don't "work" but balancing a job that is constant 24/7-motherhood.

When I think of myself as a traveler coming into Turkey I was fearless. Go anywhere ask anyone anything some how but now I have become so dependent on my husband to help me do things; a simple as call the water man to get water and to come with me to buy the new sewing machine I desperately want. What changed or did it change? Is this just real life living now not just vagabonding student? Or does he spoil me so because he just wants me to be happy and I let him and I have inhibited my independence somehow? Language is really what has hindered me. I am learning of course but still not there yet...

He isn't there yet either with his English sometimes I want to scream when I can't just speak without dulling down the vocabulary and yet I know that language learning is difficult -you really need to work at it- writing, studying!

I feel like I have been musing these same things this for the past year...uggg...


















I feel like something is brewing inside of me though...I need to make some things! I have many yummy ideas now mavisu and I need to go walk around the city and find a few supplies!

I feel like there are alot of awesome women(many expat and many mommas) doing some great things; art, connecting, helping, nuturing, talking, building relationships, building blocks!

A few great sites...expat+HAREM many great links to interesting women who share their stories and ideas!

expatwomen the home sick mother reminders resonate recently!:)

Also those great crafty sanity podcast I am eating up!

There is such power in hearing peoples stories and it is exciting times with etsy and social networking-some tips on using it prfessionally from Intarsia concept


Turkish houses/apartments are always made from these hollow bricks rebar and lots of cement. I am always facinated to watch them use random peices of wood to build molds for the cement.

Now home is where ever my husband and daughter are...

Again...sleep...

Need some rebar and cement...

Oh yes and baby girl is flipping from back to front now! So exciting!

Orna-momento?

So over the snowy Christmas season between grieving, breast feedings, diaper changings, tummy time, new mommy stuff etc...and some social outings too of course:) but mainly with help from my best babysitters; grandma and auntie Maudie I made these ornaments...

As I have written before that Christmas time has always been a big deal at the Johnson house with strong traditions; the hunt for the 18 footer and Dad's pants. He was always proud that he could still fit into his red,green and white plaid pants every year all the while looking quite dapper.

So with these things in mind I cut up the pants...

I took time...trying to channel my father's attention to detail and classic style all the while loving being creative again! Working with my hands!

For the front I made a monogram graphic on the computer and printed it on some organza silk made for printing at home(but a cheaper way is to iron freezer paper to muslin and cut to printer paper size-print at home-works great-anyone seen freezer paper in Turkey?)

The handle is the tie from his suspenders with some great buttons I found in my mother's collection.


















For the back I appliqued the tree with a bright red stocking cap like he would wear for the hunt as the angel topper. The red ornaments are french knot embroidery and only on the bottom half. The tree was always so tall and when we were little only the parts we could reach would get decorated.

My siblings and mother each got similarly detailed ones with a simpler version going out to the many relatives and close friends.

I love making things with special personal meaning. The details and memories intertwined in the piece to remake the cherished piece into a newly wonderful memento! Want to do more with this idea...

This christmas ornament will be out for quite a while at my house...

Have been loving and so inspired by listening to craft podcasts specifically Craftsanity with Jennifer Ackerman-Haywood!(Thanks to Verity at thelightgarden for introducing me to them when she wrote about importance of community and connections. I don't want to feel like we live on an island anymore...)

bed time now...

It takes a village to raise a child...

OK...I get it now...

It takes a village to raise a child...
-African proverb

I miss our villages, we are lucky enough to have two, Wayzata and Didim.

But we are doing it just us...we are strong...just tired...and the house is messy...a trail of stuff...

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I didn't even remember until 5 o'clock p.m...

Baby girl woke up at 4:30 A.M. that day and hubby and I went back in forth fighting about who gets less sleep then the other...I cried...I do not do well with out sleep or food..

fortunately then we laughed...

Today is our three year anniversary of the first day we met. I will always remember him looking stunning in his Kermit the frog green hooded sweatshirt, black hair and dark eyes...always looking...magnetic...his sexy confidence about him...my frog prince charming...

Made something yummy tonight for dinner from my HUGE "How to cook everything" cookbook by Mark Bitman:

Wheat berries cooked in separate pot
saute an onion in olive oil
add thyme and chopped walnuts
add wheat berries when cooked through
heat together and yummy!
Good combo

We ate it fast and cold such is our new life but together and still was good...

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.
-Elizabeth Stone

"I love you more than you have yet to know"

My brother recently wrote this comment on a post:

One of the last things dad wrote me in an email was "I love you more than you have yet to know". Looks like your beginning to learn what he meant. She is so beautiful.

I AM beginning to understand this love like no other of a parent for a child and I still miss my father every day.

The in-laws are here which is great! The drove up north to us bearing fresh fish, lemons from the trees around the house, a huge container of olive oil and smiles mixed with tears as they saw us and of course baby dear!

I do love big family breakfasts and everyone talking at once even when I don't understand everything. Turkish breakfast always include plates of cheese, sausage, honey, jam, butter and lots of fresh bread and everyone just grabs from the middle. Tea too of course! Great to have them here and we have spoke of many great memories my cute father-in-law(and father too- so glad they met!) His happy-go-lucky feeling about life! How he constantly hounded us all to wear our slippers and socks because he didn't want his family sick:)

Dad's memorial was pretty nontraditional and very suiting for our nontraditional father. It was at the house, in the yard where our family grew with the oak trees and gardens, the MN seasons and dad's grass he would fertilize with dawn dish soap, beer and Epson salt while wearing golf shoes:)????

At my brother's wedding my father gave a speech basically how he is so proud of my brother for becoming his own person. Dad gave the best speeches and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! My brother gave the best speech at my father's memorial. I cried the hardest at this point...

Hello, my name is Lucas Johnson and I am the only son of Kim Alan Johnson. I say that because I am very proud to be Kim Johnson's son.

Some children miss out on their fathers because they decide to be physically absent, choosing work or hobbies over spending
time with their kids. Other parents are emotionally absent, not letting their children see that they even have emotions. Some fathers are simply not there.

With my father, I wanted for nothing. Dad was always therefor me, showing me by example what a father and husband should be in the truest sense of the word. He supported me in EVERYTHING I did no exceptions. He always tried to guide me with his wisdom and knowledge that seemed endless at times. I sometimes wondered how could someone know so much. He loved the fact that all of his children were thoughtful, independent adults. I quote from an email he had written to this Aunt. “All these children of mine are really getting out in the world. They have all become interesting adults acting independently with good ethics and morals My love for them and pride in them continues to grow as they continue to amaze me.”

This was my father. Above any and all else it was about his wife and children always, no exceptions. I am again so grateful for that.

At tragic times like these, so many families are worried about all the things left unsaid because they were not brave enough to say them and they ran out of time. That is not true with my family. I never had to “tell” my dad anything before he died. I knew he loved me and I loved him. Through out my life I am overcome with examples of this.

When I was a young kid probably in 6th grade or so my dad and I hit a patch of black ice when we were driving to one of countless basketball B team weekend tournament, again my dad never missed an event so he was driving me. But the memory that has always stuck out about that was as soon as we hit this patch the very very first thing my dad did was hold out him arm across my chest and said “Hold on”. And he held me as we were spinning out of control on the free ways off the road and into the ditch. I have always felt so loved by that.

He supported me in tough times as an adult as well during my adventures across the country in pursuit of football. There were so many times I called him up, standing at the ledge, hysterical, crying and frustrated. He was the only person who truly understood the trials and tribulations of this era of my life. He even mentioned it at his speech at my wedding. He knew I hated it by the end, heck not even by the end. But he is solely responsible for me not becoming a quitter and gaining the incredible knowledge that this era of my life taught me about the real world. I will be forever grateful to him for this. It meant so much.

I am going to miss my father for the rest of my life. He was the ultimate role model. A perfectionist of the highest degree, who was capable of fixing or doing anything. A man who's mind was always pondering the real world around him looking for truth in all of the lies.

My father was in the truest sense of the word that I have ever seen in my life a “renaissance man” and that is how I would like for him to remembered. I believe that true Renaissance men are the rarest type on this earth and that is why we will miss him so much. He can never be replaced. I'm sure there are other Renaissance men out there but you can only meet so many people in the time you are on this earth that I know I will never meet another like him.

I would just like to close by saying I love my father very much and I am going to spend the rest of my life trying to become a man worthy of being my fathers son.

Thank You all for coming.

comfort food...

Thumbs up for cereal!

Baby dear will be five months tomorrow. We tried some rice cereal a few days ago just for fun. She can sit up like a big girl in her Bumbo and really liked to taste her cereal!

Snowed a lot today...big fluffy flakes...the reminded me of cottonwood trees and how when dad was loosing his hair he said that was how he felt...like a cottonwood with his blond locks...

We stayed inside for most of the day (Of course that has been a majority of my last 5 months:) but baba could be with us.

I made some yummy soup/stew concoction finding inspiration from my mother and mother-in-law. My mom is the BEST at cooking many things but especially whatever is in the fridge soups. Just keep adding things and serve the the family warm goodness. My mother-in-law is great at starting with an onion, adding a vegetable some Salça (tomato paste) and salt-maybe a little ground beef or another veggie and you again have a warm delicious meal.

My stew:

1/3 chunk of socuk(Turkish sausage)
chopped then sauteed onion and carrot
mushroom stalks I had and celery root greens sauteed
Added lentils and 5 times the amount of water
spoonful of tomato paste, salt, pepper
And cook about 30 minutes to taste
had boiled some cauliflower I added towards the end
Fresh chopped parsley

eat with delicious kaymakli yogurt on the side and fresh bread

End the night exhausted but cuddling with the hubby in front of the fireplace...passed out!

Take something from the fog...

Guess where she got those big brown eyes?

So "mama" in English of course is mother but in Turkish it means baby food, nursing etc. and is actually also used for pet food.

I refer to my husband as "baba"-daddy when I speak to baby girl about him and he is trying to use "mama' but usually slips to say "anne"-Turkish for mother since mama has that double meaning. He's trying...

I just would like her to refer to me as "mama"- the mother I know not Anne but I bet it will all work out- We are doing well adjusting to the flow of our little family...

Below are lovely words that Keryn at eighty days design had posted and I needed to share with others...Also check out her great pictures and gorgeous cards...

"When we feel muddled and unfocused, unsure of which way to turn, we say we are in a fog. Similar to when we are in a fog in nature, we may feel like we can’t see where we’re going or where we’ve come from, and we’re afraid if we move too quickly we might run into something hidden in the mists that seem to surround us. Being in a fog necessarily slows us down by limiting our visibility. The best choice may be to pull over and wait for the murkiness to clear. If we move at all, we must go slowly, feeling our way and keeping our eyes open for shapes emerging from the haze, perhaps relying on the taillights of someone in front of us as we make our way along the road. By and large, most of us prefer to be able to see where we are going and move steadfastly in that direction, but there are gifts that come from being in a fog. Sometimes it takes an obstacle like fog to get us to stop and be still in the moment, doing nothing. In this moment of involuntary inactivity, we may look within and find that the source of our fogginess is inside us; it could be some emotional issue that needs tending before we can safely go full steam ahead.


Being in a fog reminds us that when we cannot see outside ourselves, we can always make progress by looking within. Then again, the fog may simply be teaching us important lessons about how to continue moving forward with extreme caution, harnessing our attention, watching closely for new information, and being ready to stop on a dime. We cannot predict when a fog will come, nor can we know for certain when it will lift, but we can center ourselves in the haze and wait for guidance. We may find it inside ourselves or in a pair of barely visible taillights just ahead. Whether we follow the lights out of the fog, wait for a gentle breeze to lift it, or allow the sun to burn it away, we can rest certain that one way or another, we will move forward with clarity once again"

Words from Daily Om

Back in Turkey

We made it safely back to Turkey after our four months in Minnesota. As I have said a million times it is so bittersweet but back in Baba's arms, with my husband, to be our little family. As we know fathers are so important and my husband needs a chance to learn to be a good one and baby dear needs to bond!

It took me a little longer to get over jet lag since can't sleep when I want revolves around my little miss Mavisu. She is back on her schedule now too thank goodness.

We moved into a new house and are back living in Eskişehir. Ç found us a big house I think to welcome us back and make me feel better about coming back. We need to be in one place for a while. It is an American style house with a garage, basement, bathtubs and vaulted ceilings. It is nice just a little overwhelming to be unpacking and cleaning with a baby but slowly slowly...different priorities now different pace.

Being new parents my husband and I have found a whole new respect for our parents. It is hard stuff, parenting this little being that is completely dependent on you, all encompassing and completely beautiful:)

It is such a learning process with a steep learning curve. I had a chance to start learning with the help of my momma but now we have to work together as parents!

The last two nights she has had a couple crying fits during the evening time...her time to mootz(have spelled that correctly mother?)...a fussier time. She is a really good baby but sometimes she gets a little fire inside her and not much can help except nans(nursing) and if not that then-fresh air. It is funny she can be ballllling and then the second we step outside she quits. We tried almost everything possible last night indoors then Ç suggested car ride- perfect!

We all got bundled up. Hit the fresh air- stopped crying! Hopped in the car-silence is truely golden. We were so relaxed because of the silence Ç joked we should just start living in the car. Put a little table in the middle- eat there- maybe take turns driving-sleeping- I was cracking up!

The funny thing about Baby girl loving the cold is the Turks fear of it(talked about in previous posts). I took her for a little baby bjorn walk all bundled up in her snow suit with hat, gloves etc. to the market yesterday for her sake and mine(must get out of the house sometimes!). And I anticipated this happening but the second I was in speaking distance to a Turkish woman she says to me "napiyorsun kizim, çok soğak!" -"what are you doing my girl, so cold!" I tried to explain that her snow suit was thick but couldn't think of the word for thick(just found it-kalın- really diving into learning the language!) and it just came out as "buyuk"-big but after that just smiled and let the woman look at our beautiful little child and continue on her way muttering about how cold it is...

The above photo was after a 2 hours inconsolible crying bout where I had her in the front sling with a blanket around us both standing outside swaying and singing at the top of my lungs(hello new neighboors:) until she finally fell asleep sucking her thumb looking rather angelic. And as frustrated as I was and as BAD AS MY BACK HURTS ohhh I love that little girl! Maşallah!

Found this from babycenter.com

After the intensity of adjusting to life with a new baby, many parents reach a point where they find they're like ostriches lifting their heads out of the sand to discover a wider world — the one they took leave of, temporarily, after the birth. The repetitiveness and endlessness of baby care can also be very different from the pace of work, especially if you're used to a goal-oriented job or lots of adult interaction

I think my head is starting...slowly to lift...



If you can't read it that well go here

must go baby girl is awake and baba needs a lesson on our cloth diapers!

xoxo thanks to those who still read!