I am floundering to find balance these days...
Balance with time.
Balance between being a good mom and having a second(ok I need a few hours even just once a week) to blog, to breathe, to think, to create, to be by myself all the while trying to nurture my marriage. ("but it's you turn to take her...")
Balance with looking towards the future and at the same time remember to live in the NOW! Our always tentative "plan" of living in Turkey these next 2-3 years then moving to Minnesota vs. living in the present enjoying my daughter growing, enjoying being a stay-at-home mom, enjoying my husband. Will I be so happy once we go back to MN for me? Will I have to work so much there that I will miss being a stay-at-home mom? It is actually a privilege that many don't have and yet I would like more?
Finding and exploring the benefits to this foreign life and to not stunting my growth by concentrating on moving back "home".
Balance with the idea of home. What makes a place home? a person home? What do I want in a home? Our new "home" is in Eskişehir even though neither of us want to stay here. This struggle between furnishing a big house and making it feel like home but not wanting to spend money. Just wanting to save since this is temporary? But I am so sick of constantly moving around and going back and forth between California and Turkey, then Minnesota and Turkey between cities within Turkey and back to USA.
I feel in a strange suspended state and yet it has been the craziest years of my life? Strange?
Balance between new roles and old independence. Balance with the freedom I should have(my husband thinks I have) since I don't "work" but balancing a job that is constant 24/7-motherhood.
When I think of myself as a traveler coming into Turkey I was fearless. Go anywhere ask anyone anything some how but now I have become so dependent on my husband to help me do things; a simple as call the water man to get water and to come with me to buy the new sewing machine I desperately want. What changed or did it change? Is this just real life living now not just vagabonding student? Or does he spoil me so because he just wants me to be happy and I let him and I have inhibited my independence somehow? Language is really what has hindered me. I am learning of course but still not there yet...
He isn't there yet either with his English sometimes I want to scream when I can't just speak without dulling down the vocabulary and yet I know that language learning is difficult -you really need to work at it- writing, studying!
I feel like I have been musing these same things this for the past year...uggg...
I feel like something is brewing inside of me though...I need to make some things! I have many yummy ideas now mavisu and I need to go walk around the city and find a few supplies!
I feel like there are alot of awesome women(many expat and many mommas) doing some great things; art, connecting, helping, nuturing, talking, building relationships, building blocks!
A few great sites...expat+HAREM many great links to interesting women who share their stories and ideas!
expatwomen the home sick mother reminders resonate recently!:)
Also those great crafty sanity podcast I am eating up!
There is such power in hearing peoples stories and it is exciting times with etsy and social networking-some tips on using it prfessionally from Intarsia concept
Turkish houses/apartments are always made from these hollow bricks rebar and lots of cement. I am always facinated to watch them use random peices of wood to build molds for the cement.
Now home is where ever my husband and daughter are...
Again...sleep...
Need some rebar and cement...
Oh yes and baby girl is flipping from back to front now! So exciting!
11 comments:
Besides motherhood, I have lived everything you're expressing in this post! As much as I love my husband and Turkey, those first years were the worst of my life. I struggled (with determination) to get through them.
Not feeling settled, I finally adopted the mantra "Bloom where you're planted."
Please email me if you want to talk.
I too am wondering about the concept of "home". My boys and I will be moving soon and starting a whole new life I did not expect to live. Will I be able to create a "home" alone without meeting the expectations I had for my life? What about the memories here? Good and bad. I don't know how I will ever drive down this street again and see a happy family living here enjoying the home that we worked and fought and lost so much for. I have to believe that "Home is where I am"
I totally understand.. I'm in sort of the same situation only reversed. Thinking of moving from the US where we are now, back to Turkey with our baby girl.. It's hard here. We both work like crazy just to keep our heads up, everyone is in the pursuit of more stuff. Culture is different, I'm scared raising her here will result in much trouble between her and her father later on. Sometimes I think I'm much more bendable so I'm the one who should sacrifice and leave her home. It's so hard to know what to do.
Wow! So much of what you wrote is what I feel and have felt! Thank you for putting it all in words.
Balance is something I'm always striving for, and seem to orbit around. And with a small baby, daily negotiations happen on minute levels - one minute there is balance, the next chaos. Then toddlerhood, where I'm rooted now. Round and round. I feel connected to many places, and living in Turkey has maybe even made me appreciate home more (WI, MN!!). I see you're from Wayzata (we need to talk!) I agree with both Tara and Keryn when they suggest that home is where you are. And you're doing a beautiful job of that right now. xo
Hi Emily,found you via Love,Rose via Expat-Harlem. have you been tapping inside my head? LOL!! you took my thoughts, all of them. the balancing act,depending on my hubby. Hope you don't mind me sharing this but for several weeks I have been feeling "lost". Because like you when we go back to the states I will go back to work and Daughter to daycare then I will wish I was back at home and vice versa. Why does the grass always looks greener on the other side? Some of my frustration comes because I think my hubby should pitch in more with the household responsibilities after all BOTH of us are stay-at-home parents. But somehow our conversation turns into a discussion and I rather not argue. Oh the balancing act!
I like tara's line, "BLoom where you're planted".
Saludos,
A Mexican mommy living in Europe
Ladies, Your comments help so much. Thank you all for writing in it helps to feel connected and not crazy:) When I have others to relate to and share stories with! Thank you!
Ditto with everyone else's comments I felt the exact same way you did.
I think Elisa said it perfectly--
"Why does the grass always looks greener on the other side?"
When I was in Turkey with my husband and daughter I felt like that. Now living in the States I feel like it again.
And at times it is hard because I am always helping my husband with the smallest things here all the time. At first it was great but at times it gets frustrating. But he is s.l.o.w.l.y getting better reading and writing English
These babies of ours, they open us to feelings, emotions and possibilities we never knew. I am in the same country as my family there are moments they feel a lifetime away. I wonder where will we give Bodhi the best life..here in Portland with a community we call family, down in California with my family or in Poland where life would be all together different. The American grind is real. Work hard, spend fast, play little and figure out how not to get fat.
I will sit with "Bloom where you are today".
Hey there...we e-mailed earlier. I dealt with and am dealing with many of the questions and issues you are experiencing. Being a new mom is completely life changing and doing it in Turkey definitely gives challenges and opportunities like you mentioned. Easier to stay at home, easier to be more dependent...but does that wear on your conscience and relationship....we could probably talk on and on. So, Eskişehir now? I was excited about you being not too far away from us in Muğla this summer. Not sure if you know anyone up there, but my sister-in-law is an English teacher at the university there and is also an outside-the-box creative DIYer...I could connect you. Let me know.
I also extend my e-mail hand to vent or ask questions since I am a few months ahead on some of these things with an 8 month old (but send to the yahoo accout you have in your mailbox)
I have a question - how was the long flight....how did you manage with baby? any tips??? About to take a trip back [home???] to DC...first one with baby
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