Home sweet home!
Home sweet where?
Whenever I go back to the States I have several conversation of this nature...
"You live where?"
"Turkey?"
"Wow, that is far..."
"Wow, how is that?"
(Note:this response varies with different voice fluctuations insinuating
A: positive one like 'oh cool you live in another country'
B: a negative like 'where the heck is that and why would you ever flipping go there?'
C: a scared one like 'aren't they different over there')
Also my response lately is simply, "good just far...with a little sigh at the end...that I try to hide."
Every time I go back to the States it still does feel like home to go back to my childhood house. I feel on one hand fortunate to have had such stability through my life and another like hey maybe there is something wrong with this and maybe that is why I just can't feel happy in this country of Turkey lately? HOME SWEET TURKEY???
But I felt like I had a home outside of my childhood one when I lived in San Diego. I loved our little dove street nest although knowing it wasn't forever we nurtured it; we cooked for each other and people would come in and out eating my food, drinking wine and laughing, lots of laughing and fabulous conversations that friends have with one and other(I miss you people:).
But by the time I had left that house I was ready to;over so.cal. Ready to go forth with all the love and growing I had done during those fabulously fun twenties in southern California to go "see the world".
That will be 4 yrs ago in February...wow!
I came to Eskisehir and have been bouncing from house to city to house to country to house to city to country to house to state to house to house to city to country to language to culture to customs to house to home? where is the HOME though? etc etc ever since (yeah makes you a little dizzy huh? me too!)
We might be moving again or maybe not and this news makes me tired and sad. Just continues this unsettled feeling.
Always in the back of my head though that when I settle down it will be in MN.
I believe most of this urgency stems from having a child and loosing my father, two biggest events in my life within 9 days of each other.
Lately have been blinded by my longing to be in MN...
must sleep now...
"Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience" -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Patient and persistent like the my father's National Geographics
7 comments:
home is where your hour heart is and it seems that your heart is no longer in Turkey..
I have lived all my life in the same neighborhood (yea pretty crazy right?) and it no longer feels like home. I dont feel the same excitement i used to feel when i was a kid, when we were coming "home" from summer camps.
Sweet Em.... I cried reading this. Those last days for your dads life and first days of sweet Mavisu's life were so precious. It sounds like your heart is heavy with much on your mind. I am sending you and your family love. Please take care of yourself and be gentle with your emotions.
I understand that feeling well. Once I felt at home in Turkey, in Samsun, like I could have stayed there forever. Now when we go for just a few weeks I can hardly wait to get back home to US. I miss the Turkey I loved, and wish I could find it again. I think I (and maybe you too) are just in the right country but wrong place? No wonder you feel unsettled, all that moving. Goodness, its impossible to put down good roots with moving around like that. I hope you find a place to settle and make a good solid nest, whatever country it may be in.
I hear what you are saying Em, with me being home in Australia now, I feel like it's home here but my husband and other home is in Istanbul. I think that as travellers of this world (yabanci's) home is where we make it. It's just hard when you keep moving from place to place and I can fully understand the need and want to be settled when you have a child. Not many people can do what we have done - move across the world to a different culture and way of life, so as Meghan said, be gentle with your emotions and take care of you. I don't have any answers Im sorry, but I do understand you. Hugs xx
Hi Sheena, Thanks for visiting and commenting. I believe that part of my heart can stay in Turkey as part does belong to my husband and half Turkish baby girl. I believe if we could just stay in one spot long enough to make a life for ourselves. If you leave your current home for a while- take an adventure and I bet you will find your heart back in that neighborhood you grew up in.
Meg, thanks dear and I know u r going through some stuff too and hope you are also being gentle to yourself!
Anonymous, Thanks for the comment and yes I know my longing is mainly close proximity to family. We just keep getting uprooted from everywhere so I am clinging to those strong roots, first roots. Thank you for you understanding.
Renai, darling, you DO understand and that is a wonderful thing about blogs! I would never have found you without it and I find comfort in just how parallel our lives are right now. How are you dear? How is that beautiful new little baby?
Emily, this is a topic close to my heart, and has been coming up a lot in conversations with other close friends - where is home? When you even mention Minnesota, I feel a tug on the heart strings. Anything Midwestern makes me feel nostalgic. We have had our fifth bayram here in Turkey, and it feels like this year, we got some of the rituals and family stuff down and enjoyed ourselves so much. So that feels like home to me, even if at the same time holidays that I would have always shared with my family in the US bring up rocky emotions. And it seems part of the package that you always long for what you left. Me, too, lived in one region my whole life before coming to Turkey. It makes the longing more focused and intense sometimes. But one day you wake up and realize you've created new memories, too, that one day you'll miss as well. It's so circular, and I agree, requires gentleness.
Hello, Emily. Meghan is a dear dear friend of mine, and she sent me the link to your blog. It seems we have much in common-- wanderlust, missing our Dads, photography, and seeing mamahood as the greatest adventure of all. I look forward to reading more about your life over there (and can still smell Istanbul if I close my eyes and focus hard).
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