split in two...

Yes, this ancient olive tree is fabulous although split in two and holey.



Feeling split in two and holey myself lately, my two worlds yet to collide, but like the wonderful olive tree surprising new branches have sprung in spite of; some from the roots and some from the branches.



Love the contrast in the fields between the vibrancy of the new growth with the dullness of the olive tree branches.

Has really cooled off here...windy...brrr...this is when I miss central heating!

Good talking to you today my dear family...miss u terribly...

Making new holiday traditions?

Well, the weather has been absolutely gorgeous here next to the Aegean Sea. How can it possibly be December without a snow flake in sight or an obnoxious/fabulous scene of consumerism? Merry Christmas anyone?

How do you celebrate holidays in a country that doesn't celebrate the ones that are dear to your heart?

This will be my first Christmas away from my family in 31 years but it will be my first with my hubby, second with our baby girl and first together as a little family...

How can I bring Santa to Turkey? How can I get my husband who has never celebrated this before and has no idea the colossal scale of it stateside/ familyside into it?

Where is my father to go chop down the tree?

Well I'm starting out by decorating our cafe...



Since everywhere you look there is green popping up all around. The vibrancy of new green, new growth(filiz) is gorgeous. There are many of the green trimmings around the neighborhood that my mother would get from my auntie working at the greenhouse to decorate with; huge pepper berry trees, vines, different types of pines. So I will start there...I love gathering, scavenging...



There are lots of pines cones to work with too, fabulous ones of different shapes and sizes... and there is my best little helper, who needs rudolph:)

I've been singing her lots of Christmas carols as we gather.

I made some wreathes today with pictures to follow.

P.S. super annoying that again blogger host of private domains is banned in Turkey because they didn't like one then the rest get banned too??? So I can post my blog but can't look at it...uggg...get it together people! Any suggestions on moving my blog? etc?

Thanksgiving; the girl effect.

Thanksgiving translates in Turkish to şükür, praise, thanks, hallelujah...

Çok Şükür...

I am alive.

I have a patient husband who adores me and who has an amazing ability to live in the now while having incredible acuity towards the future.

Our daughter, there are not words. I had her later in life with the husband I chose. She was made from love in a safe and nurturing home.

I come from strong women and have met so many along the road; these are my role models, my counselors, my support groups...

"Good women- may we know them, may we be them, may we raise them"

I have really been pondering this as I was reintroduced to an organization, the girl effect.



Powerful huh?

At 12 I was in 6th grade feeling completely awkward; embarrassed when people told me I looked like DJ Tanner but religiously watching Full House, of course. I would bead on my bed. In the safety of my mother and father's little house. Surrounded by siblings and love.

Just trying to make it into the big junior high...

But what if I was born into something different?

What if I wasn't allowed the time to grow up myself before I had a baby?
Babies having babies...

What if born with a mental or physical handicap in a culture that doesn't know how to treat or nuture it. What if I was thrown on the street and no one had saw the NEED TO HELP?

Although I have been struggling with my life abroad I have the choice.

Help these girls know that they even have a choice...

Word of mouth is a powerful thing. The simplicity in thier message makes it seem like a plausible future...The girl effect blogging campaign...tag you are it...pass it on...

Be grateful and generous...Emily remember

Gratitude

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into enough,and more.
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. ~ Melody Beattie

Purple findings...

Since I was young I have loved findings; gorgeous examples of nature noticed surrounding me.

At our house initially you look out and see three colors- that beautiful blue water reflecting whatever hue the weather is that day, green from the shrubs and bushes struggling to grow from the beige rock beneath it.

Of course if you look closer there is much more to behold. Today I found purple.
Not lilacs and violets from my youth but sea urchin shells, olives, greens with hints of purple stems, shells, broken lighter (plastic seems to find it's way in wherever you are), heather flowers, thistles(it got me...ouch!), and daisies.

Fall here is like a spring again. I have to be honest...I did go swimming yesterday. It was a freak hot day and my hubby talked me into it after he went fishing. Chilly but great.

The winds have found there way back though. They will blow the rain in soon. Following all the rain and a week of hot weather life is popping up everywhere. Seeds dormant during the long, HOT, dry summer.

Inspiration for this shot from resurrection fern, Andy Goldsworthy, mother nature herself:)

Gözleme and Didim on the TV

Gözleme is usually translated as a Turkish-style pancake but from my world view I would compare it to a stuffed thin tortilla or crepe. The actual "bread" part is called a yufka and of course most delicious fresh made! We were lucky our neighbor was making some last Sunday...yum!




She rolls the dough out with a thin rolling pin until translucent on that little table made just for this. Then adds delicious things like spinach, cheese and herbs. She also made spicy ones with peppers added. Lots of good olive oil!



Spooning sweet tahini (sesame paste mixed with sugar and water) with olive oil...

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The final product cooked on a heated metal dome. Texture and taste are wonderful!

Also just as yesterday I was complaining that after 3 yrs the goverment has not lifted the ban on youtube- guess what today it is open! Finally!

So I happily watched House Hunters International's program on Didim...who knew...

You can watch parts 1,2,3 here (even if you live in Turkey now!)

Also I can find you a house:)!

Also here is Istanbul on the Bachelorette TV show...I'm just saying people I live in a cool place...come visit please...also the cistern is magical...

morning yearning...

Waking up with the sun and my two favorite people...sassiness and silliness...



Listen to Ben Harper's Morning Yearning

p.s. seriously why is youtube still banned in this country?

Home sweet Turkey?

Home sweet home!

Home sweet where?

Whenever I go back to the States I have several conversation of this nature...

"You live where?"

"Turkey?"

"Wow, that is far..."

"Wow, how is that?"

(Note:this response varies with different voice fluctuations insinuating

A: positive one like 'oh cool you live in another country'

B: a negative like 'where the heck is that and why would you ever flipping go there?'

C: a scared one like 'aren't they different over there')

Also my response lately is simply, "good just far...with a little sigh at the end...that I try to hide."

Every time I go back to the States it still does feel like home to go back to my childhood house. I feel on one hand fortunate to have had such stability through my life and another like hey maybe there is something wrong with this and maybe that is why I just can't feel happy in this country of Turkey lately? HOME SWEET TURKEY???

But I felt like I had a home outside of my childhood one when I lived in San Diego. I loved our little dove street nest although knowing it wasn't forever we nurtured it; we cooked for each other and people would come in and out eating my food, drinking wine and laughing, lots of laughing and fabulous conversations that friends have with one and other(I miss you people:).

But by the time I had left that house I was ready to;over so.cal. Ready to go forth with all the love and growing I had done during those fabulously fun twenties in southern California to go "see the world".

That will be 4 yrs ago in February...wow!

I came to Eskisehir and have been bouncing from house to city to house to country to house to city to country to house to state to house to house to city to country to language to culture to customs to house to home? where is the HOME though? etc etc ever since (yeah makes you a little dizzy huh? me too!)

We might be moving again or maybe not and this news makes me tired and sad. Just continues this unsettled feeling.

Always in the back of my head though that when I settle down it will be in MN.

I believe most of this urgency stems from having a child and loosing my father, two biggest events in my life within 9 days of each other.

Lately have been blinded by my longing to be in MN...

must sleep now...

"Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Patient and persistent like the my father's National Geographics

Fall

pomegranates coming into season...

To my daughter...

To my dear daughter, our daughter, their grand-baby, their niece, their cousin, with so many more things you already are and will become...

You turned 1 yesterday, I can't believe how quickly this year flew by. Although some individual days seemed so long...although some days I just wished you would fall asleep. Please just sleep for a long time so I could sleep or take a shower or clean the house or hold your baba's hand and breathe (I know mom..."poor EM"(note the intended sarcasm with four children under her belt).

Now that year has gone by I can't believe they are classifying you as a toddler on babycenter...What? My baby is a toddler now? OMGoodness...

Ohhh monkey how smart you are. You just don't miss a thing. A sponge. You are getting so very sassy. Some of those looks you give...SASSY...your blond eyebrows like mine are so expressive although you can't see them. You look out and down with those big black eyes from your baba, those long gorgeous lashes fanned around your furrowing brow. Stick out that pouty bottom lip. oh.oh.oh...

You can smile so big like Grandpa, a big square smile. Your four teeth always cross just a little bit when your smile extends over that cute face. Scrunching up your nose melts my heart. Pointing that fat little crooked finger towards what you see, or learned or want to do next.

Everyone who new your Ali dede well says you resemble him so...Maşallah...

You have been walking for a while now, still trying to attain confidence in your new skills, still prefer one finger to hold(preferably your mother's), so you can really go anywhere you want...little miss...you know we will come along...my child.
It is either standing or sleeping for you...on the move...

We had a great summer at grandma's house; sucking on sweet clovers that grandpa had planted in the grass unknowingly just for you. Your fat little hanies loved to POP the heads off big smelly yellow marigolds and into your mouth for a little taste(It's ok...Auntie Maudie said they are edible:). Your eagle eyes sifted through the green grass for acorns between watching the squirrels frolic and your mama watching you so you wouldn't eat the acorns like the squirrels do.


Taking a break from the wonderful grass between your toes, you ate fresh tomatoes from grandma's garden and cut teeth on Minnesota sweet corn on the cob over the picnic table in great-grandma and great-grandpa's high chair all tied up with a dish towel. Lots of precious bottoms have occupied that space.



You love dental floss(that slight minty flavor) and toothbrushes(Nanc is so proud).

We went down to Brazil for your Uncle Lukey and Mimi's wedding(thank goodness our visas came the LAST day possible...ekkk...thank goodness your baba is so wonderful and express mailed all our paperwork). You did great on the plane as you are becoming a professional flier at such a young age(or I am I just becoming a more confident distractor?). It was easier with grandma flying beside us. She has so many tricks up her sleeve(The Master Distractor, The Baby Whisperer)...



In Brazil you played on Impanema Beach. Glorious sand. You ate lots of fresh bananas and coconut popsicles. Auntie Meggy and Uncle Justin were the best helpers! We just kept saying "oh they will be the best parents one day" and... little did we know your cousin was in Brazil with us...he or she we will meet in February:)!!!!



Auntie Maria's Family was wonderful to us in Brazil, so hospitable and we all got along so well. They all enjoyed your company so much. The wedding was breathe taking at the foot of Sugarloaf Mountain and we danced the day away together. Later we went to Buzios peninsula. You took some of your first steps there.



Your dear Great-Aunties are feeling better having, please god, won against the f-ing breast cancer. We spent lots of days at Auntie Janie's eating yellow squash and admiring her new hair style-"very chic" :)

Although it was wonderful rooming with Grandma and Auntie Maudie we had to get back to Turkey to see your baba...

Auntie Maudie had to go embrace her youth; hiking and kayaking all over Alaska. She is having a wonderful amazing time there, happily "together" with her man in their element, enjoying nature...to quote her, "Like Minnesota on crack"- I get it...sounds gorgeous...

So for now doll we are back in Turkey with your dear dear baba. You have started dancing and it is as cute as it gets...Your babaanne sings a song or you hear even a good ringtone and you sway and jiggle. You just figured out this little knee bend jig thing...

One year has gone by with you in it and I feel so blessed. One year gone by also means without grandpa. One year gone by and it still really hurts that he is gone but doll you are sunshine in those voids. Although, my doll, every year at your birthday I will think grandpa died just 9 days later, and Dede just 6 weeks after that...I don't ever want you to feel like your life being synonymous with death as a sad thing; just the circle of life, living life to the fullest and as grandma keeps saying..."To count your blessing" and doll girl...

I love you (more than you or I have yet to know)

So this year on your first birthday it seemed only right to celebrate on the blue water where your name comes from...having some of your first cake...on a boat on the Aegean with one great side of your family.



Anything else anyone might want to add?

happy...

birthday my beautiful little seester, inside and out! I love you!

The light, Our light...

I love how photography allows you to capture and play with light so beautifully!



Maybe it's clique but she has been our light, our families have been through alot alot alot this past year. Her little presence helps us all remember that life goes on, is beautiful and there is so much to be curious about...

My sister-in-law's sister is relaying racing for cancer if you have a few dollars to spare...

Baby girl dipped her toes in the sea for the first time on her 8 month birthday...

Hanies...

This post is for my mama, grandma, who has been morel mushroom hunting in the woods all week. Tracking her prey:)- morel mushrooms that grow in a big circle around dying trees. Feeding of the trees nutrients it releases back into the soil as it dies. Really cool stuff! I miss her terribly not being able to talk but will be able to today!

















Wow, baby girl will be eight months tomorrow! She is learning so quickly and so very curious! I think she is going to walk as soon as her fat little legs will let her! I love taking our walks together and am excited for when we can pick flowers and beach rocks together!

Such a special, beautiful little child! Maşallah!

There is just something about those hanies! right mom?

Walking and making...

As many people know being a momma is no joke. It is a full time job, a different kind of full time like 24/7 and if you don't know what I mean check out some articles...

The story from Babycenter, How Motherhood Makes You Smarter and 42 things that change when you have a baby

As I have mused before that I LOVE being a mom but need some me time!

I was really struggling to find that time because I was searching for time like I used to have- being able to sit and sew, paint(insert something creative) for hours on end, working out projects, testing techniques, making messes, hating my projects then eventually being pretty proud of myself or having learned something at least:)...

Well time is not my own anymore and I have moved 10 times in the past three years and my stuff is at 5 different houses currently(ekkk-I am ready to replant some roots!)

So my excuses come down to time and space. I need to become portable and embrace a new creative process...portable and compartmentalized...

So this is my long way of saying I have really been enjoying taking photos lately.


































Baby girl, Tequila and I go for walks everyday next to the sea. I quickly(key to it all) load up her stroller so stuff is popping out of the back storage compartment. I push her stroller to the limits- off-roading on the bumpy rocky terrain that is Didim. Her little body bobbling in the stroller. She LOVES to be outside! My husband wonders just how long the stroller is going to hold up?

One nice thing about the rocks everywhere is that my dog has endless balls...pick up a rock...throw it and of course repeat...she loves retrieving but hasn't gotten the release down yet but have no fear...there is another rock!

Initially, this walk is white rocks, the Aegean sea and low lying shrubbery. As I walk...I notice more and repeat

Thistle...

Find beauty in the "weeds".

Didim is...

...because one loves what one knows...

This is my first wild flower bouquet of the season. I am happy to see I picked it on Earth day, April 22nd but didn't realize it as it is not celebrated here but I plan to spread the love next year!

I particularly love the sort of hops looking grass that looks too heavy for it's thin stem as dangles wildly in the wind...

I have recently stumbled across a blog, Resurrection Fern. She posts photos of her wonderful crocheted stones and the beauty that surrounds her. She recently posted about getting to know your local patch of earth.

"What can turn us from this deserted future, back into the sphere of our being, the great dance that joins us to our home, to each other and to other creatures, to the dead and unborn? I think it is love. I am perforce aware how baldly and embarrassingly that word now lies on the page—for we have learned at once to overuse it, abuse it, and hold it in suspicion. But I do not mean any kind of abstract love (adolescent, romantic, or "religious"), which is probably a contradiction in terms, but particular love for particular things, places, creatures, and people, requiring stands, acts, showing its successes and failures in practical or tangible effects. And it implies a responsibility just as particular, not grim or merely dutiful, but rising out of generosity. I think that this sort of love defines the effective range of human intelligence, the range within its works can be dependably beneficent. Only the action that is moved by love for the good at hand has the hope of being responsible and generous. Desire for the future produces words that cannot be stood by. But love makes language exact, because one loves only what one knows."
— Wendell Berry

...BECAUSE ONE LOVES ONLY WHAT ONE KNOWS...

must read more of that man?

tired...enough...many more thoughts but enough for today...

good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite:)

Kapı kırı köyü and Lake Bafa

We; baby girl, the cute in-laws and I went on an adventure to the village of Kapı kırı. Herakleia is it's name from Greek mythological times with ruins to prove it. It's a beautiful drive through olives groves to the base of the Beşparmak(five finger mountains)or Latmos Mountains.


































Located on Lake Bafa about 45 minutes from Didim. It is a quaint little village built on top and amidst the ruins. An ancient piece of marble just chilling in the parking lot:)


































We had such a wonderful breakfast, Turkish style at the Pelikan Pensiyon. We admired the lake view with crumbling castles mixed with milking cows as we mmmmed and ahhhed over our fresh eggs, homemade jams of fig and mulberry, tomatoes, cucumbers, locally made olives in olive oil. We smeared butter and honey on fresh bread as we peered down the ravine and spotted the boxes of bees making their honey from the wild flowers popping up around the hillsides. There was a delicious salad medley of parsley, scallion greens, tomatoes and a crumbly white cheese.

Warm tea in a cool rain. After eating lots a rain storm came through just long enough so we could enjoy one last tea...

We meandered our way up the path to one of the many crumbling but beautiful and revealing proofs of a previous time, a different way of life.





































How was it made?



















































































Good day, felt like a traveler again...how I got myself to this land in the first place...

Squash or pumpkin?

This yummmmmy salad I made is a hybrid between the Farro and Butternut squash recipe from 101 cookbooks and the Warm butternut Squash and Chickpea Salad from Smitten Kitchen.
Both are awesome foodie/recipe blogs!

My hybrid consisted of roasting together:

- 2 kilo piece of squash or pumpkin cubed that I had bought at the pazaar(roast until kind of caramelized on browned on sides)
- Two white onions(didn't have red) cubed
- 3 tablespoons olive oil from Mehmet Amca's trees
- Sprinkling of thyme we gather from low lying bushes next to the sea (reminder to go get more to share!
- sea salt of course
Roast all together then when done add-

- Garbanzo beans(otherwise known as chick peas)
Didn't have any Farro (not sure what it is actually) or I was thinking wheat berries but then I found the smitten kitchen recipe so I used garbanzo beans(Also wonderfully nutty). Here in Turkey canned bean are kind of expensive. Fresh are better anyways but they take a long time to cook, especially chick peas. My mother-in-law will just make a big batch and freeze them. So I just pulled some out of the freezer.

Modified the dressing(had hoped for the tahini but we were out); pressed some fresh garlic,
2 lemons, more olive oil and of course salt on everything!

Serve a little warm but I bet it is great cold too! Yummy I really could eat the whole pan!

I must admit I think it becomes all the more delicious when I know that the lemons come from the tree out back, the olive oil is from the old man on the corner's trees and the thyme grows wild next to the sea!



































Good news that hubby is coming down from Eskisehir tonight! I am going to quick try to get some chocolate cookies made before baby girl wakes up from her nap!

Also thanks to Keryn for explaining how to get my pictures larger!

Learning from both sides of the family...

That little blur is baby girl rolling her wrist around pırasa, Turkish for leek. Babaanne(grandma on the father's side) gave it to her for cutting teeth and it really is perfect. It is soft, yet tough to not split open or break off. A natural solution instead of plastic. Also such a great size and shape for that cute little chubby hand to wrap around. Of course there is the slight smell but no one minds...she still gets plenty of kisses.

We made it back down to Didim. To be next to Babaanne(grandma on the father's side, Annaanne on mother's), Hala(Auntie -again a distinction between which side of the family, Teyze on mother's) and Abi for cousin(what all Turks call a man who is older then them unless way older then its Amca-uncle). Oh yeah and don't forget the Manyak Tequila...

So good to see them all. Be together. Think about Dede(grandpa) Have baby girls new little life make them all smile too.

Good to walk next to the beautiful blue water, Aegean Sea where baby girl takes her name from. Where she was born just 7 months ago. Whirlwind!

We went into town recently. Stopped by the butcher shop to get a bone for Tequila. I had baby girl in the sling, sitting kangaroo style so she could face out and observe the world. We were looking in the mirror together making faces while waiting for Babaanne(B) when suddenly the butcher starts frantically explaining something or other...?

My Turkish is getting ok but couldn't quite get it- kendine(self) -dikkat (be careful)-something? B just didn't her cute little smile, listened to his rant, asked him where he was from and thanked him for the bone and we were on our way again.

Once outside I asked what the heck was he saying? (We have our own way of talking- I can always understand her:) She explained that First he was from Erzurum-east Turkey(east and west Turkey are quite different). That his mother said to NEVER have a baby look in the mirror as the baby will become confused and not understand itself. I am sure he said more that was lost in translation but this concept we both found ridiculous...where do these ideas come from? Passed down to generations...that said...

She told me that I need to do what I think is right for our daughter. Don't listen to everyone else and that written...

I do try to do what is best for her but also a balance for the family as a whole to feel good too as Turks are a superstitious bunch...

Baby girl goes out of the house always with a Turkish eye, nazar boncuk pinned to her, we can't say she is beautiful only ugly because of a Nazar. She can't be caught in a cross breeze(only one window open in the house/car at a time). Can't be cold or sweat...

My point of the above story is there are some things that are found ridiculous from one culture(even city) but might be important for another. I do do what I feel is best for my baby girl but also what makes her other side of the family feel better too even if to me some of the things are as silly as not letting the baby look in the mirror...

I know it is all nurturing and out of love...and I have the "erzurum mirror" to bring up if I find anything really hard to handle:)

Currently I am just enjoying having some help with our little monkey. It has started to really get fun- her rolling and sitting and eating and talking!

I am looking forward to some possible alone time? Personal creative time...please:)

At the same time I write of some funny things from this side of our family I have learned some great things too!

Pırasa as a natural teether...

A great swing- sit down stick your legs out, put a pillow across your feet- place baby girl laid across your legs and start a rocking!














Also baby girl was a bit fussy so B quickly whipped out her hammock and rigged it all up for baby girl with a "grandma approved safety strap"(my pink scarf)

At the end here I will add a Maşallah, plaa, plaa, plaa(signifies a sort of spitting/blowing noise you make to get rid of those jealous eyes towards baby dear)- I do love some superstition:)

Have you learned anything great from your parents or in-laws? Anything you need to kindly say "we are not doing that, thank you?"

(uhhhggg...I have been working on this post for far too long. Still trying to find balance with a few minutes of free time even with the in-laws around baby girl still really likes her momma but she is relaxing...I am sure I will miss it one day)

P.S. So very dependent on my computer and it is soooo slow- frustrating!

Happy birthday Dad...

It was yesterday...

I wish it went like this...

Me calling my dad on skype. I can hear it play in my head, his voice, how his glasses would be all funny on his face around his neck with that silly string. He would probably be looking at some stats or news at the same time talking to us.

He would answer and say, "hi doll(maybe dolls plural now, what would he call our baby girl?)"

me:"Hi dad, Happy birthday!"

dad: "oh thanks sweetie."

me: "what are you guys going to do today?"

Then he would stop "computing", take off his glasses, lean back in the chair, stretch, then cross his arms turning his attention to us...

dad: " oh probably just go down to the Muni for a burger with everybody. Mom made me a chocolate cake. Kids are coming over later. Nothing too special. How are you guys? How is Mavisu?"

me: "We are good. Mavisu is growing so big and beautiful...here look..."
dad: "(here is new territory? I am not sure what exactly he would say because we never got to talk about his grandbaby, the cancer had already made him so weak when we came home from the hospital with her. I know though that he would love her. He loved her. It would make him smile a BIG smile. He would love her!")

We would go on to talk about projects each other are doing. I would get the down low on each sibling and mom as she would be working on a Wednesday. I would ask his opinion about something or other. He would have an opinion. He always did:)

The conversation would take a lull or two and we knew we were done for that session.

I would wish him Happy birthday again and tell him I love him. He would say thanks and say he loves us too.

I would email him a card with a picture of baby girl or have sent something he would get late...of course:)

This is what I wish happened yesterday...

But instead the sharp knife of reality sliced deep. He is gone never too return. It fucking sucks.

Now he lives on in beautiful memories. I hope I can always remember his funny mannerisms and know what he would do in certain situations.

Love you forever father dear...

The above photo is of a gorgeous oil painting of my father's portrait given as a huge, beautiful surprise to my mother. Truly it has a life of it's own and is the second thing to have my father reborn. It is there with my mother and it makes her smile which is the most important! The painting was done by the very kind and ridiculously talented painter, Jeffrey T. Larson.